A Guest Post on Dick Cheney's New Heart

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 Guest poster ,I. Mangrey,  has a sharp tongue and a good imagination. Here he offers up a sardonic vision of what might have gone on during Cheney's heart transplant surgery along with his own observations on Dick Cheney, the man and the myth. Hint: Mangrey is NOT a big Dick Cheney fan.

Dick Cheney, who recently cancelled a trip to our northern neighbor saying Canada was too dangerous, is now recovering after receiving a heart transplant. First there’s the matter of The Second Butcher of Baghdad saying that Canada’s dangerous. Canada? I can’t even remember the last time Canada shot someone in the face. I’m pretty sure that Canada thinks Cheney is too dangerous so I doubt they have any regrets.

Then there’s the matter of one of the most horrific figures in American political history taking what must have been a perfectly good heart that could have gone to someone more deserving like Rick Perry who has lots of available space between his ears for any of a number of objects, or the artificially animated Mitt Romney who would be able to use the heart indefinitely as he “lives” out his years entertaining Americans by running for president over and over and over, or maybe a homeless person who could use a pick-me-up.

In any event, doctors worked diligently to perform what is now a fairly common procedure. Except in this case it was not nearly so routine. In almost all cases to date, the surgery was performed to replace a damaged heart, but in Cheney’s case the doctors were greeted with something of a surprise when they entered the chest cavity of one of America’s most recent war criminals. The lead surgeon at the Halliburton Medical Center mused,

 “I can’t say some of us didn’t have our suspicions going in, but we treated it as something of a joke. I don’t think any of us actually expected there would really be no heart in there. I mean many people are referred to as heartless, but even I always assumed this was just a derisive figure of speech, or by Cheney’s standards a term of endearment. As a doctor/mercenary you kind of assume that the human organism is incapable of survival without such a vital organ. In most cases you would be right. But it turns out that in Mr. Cheney’s case his body managed to survive on sheer willpower and a deep-seated hatred of mankind.”

They say Cheney had an untold number of heart attacks starting at age 37. If it is indeed true that he had a heart, it would seem that that heart knew early on that Cheney should be stopped before doing any real damage. The presence of a heart in that, by-all-appearances-human form, does stretch the imagination, but I suppose the possibility exists despite the inability of his current surgeons to detect one.

 Maybe since this heart doesn’t know Cheney personally it won’t start attacking him immediately. Perhaps since The Dark Shadow is - as far as we can tell - retired, this poor hijacked heart will allow him to live out the rest of his nights.


I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible comment (and spare parts) invited.
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